Just for Laughs

The top hat

Schwartz is sitting in his room, wearing only a top hat, when Steinberg strolls in.
“Why are you sitting here naked?”
“It’s all right,” says Schwartz. “Nobody comes to visit.”
“But why the hat?”
“Maybe somebody will come.”


You don't look Jewish

A woman on a train walked up to a man across the table. “Excuse me,” she said, “but are you Jewish?”
“No,” replied the man.
A few minutes later the woman returned. “Excuse me,” she said again, “are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
“I’m sure,” said the man.
But the woman was not convinced, and a few minutes later she approached him a third time. “Are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?” she asked.
“All right, all right,” the man said. “You win. I’m Jewish.”
“That’s funny,” said the woman.” You don’t look Jewish.”


The Jewish sex life

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."

The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."


Wives' duties

Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Catholic woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.


A  Jewish White House Dinner

Israeli leader Ehud Olmert comes to Washington for meetings with George W. For the State Dinner, Laura Bush decides to bring in a special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal prepared in honor of their guest.

At the dinner that night, the first course is served and it is Matzoh Ball Soup. George W. looks at this and, after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can’t eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Olmert will be insulted if he doesn’t at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all he ate a sheep’s eye in honor of his Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, swallows, and a grin appears on his face. He finds he really likes it, digs right in, and finishes the whole bowl.

“That was delicious,” George W. says to Olmert. “Do the Jews eat any other part of the matzoh, or just the balls?”


Actual personal ads that appeared in Israeli newspapers!

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB74.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 71.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. PB 658

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.POB 787

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555

80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76

Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27

I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46


Sex Education

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?""Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of thepopular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said. "What myths arethose?""Well," she explained. "One popularmyth is that African American menare the most well endowed, when infact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait." "Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."Suddenly, the woman became a littleuncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name.""Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."


Sex on the Sabbath

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.
"The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be o sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."


Jewish Texan

Three Texans are sitting together on an airplane. Two are hardy, tall men wearing cowboy boots and 10 gallon hats. The third is a little old Jewish man wearing a yalmuke, short pants, and high black sox with sandles.

The first Texan says: My name is Roger, I have 2000 acres and 3,000 head of cattle. I call my place "The Jolly Roger."

The second Texan says: My name is Gene. I own 5.000 acres and 5,000 head. I call my place "Gene's Ranch Estate."

The little old Jewish man says: I own 200 acres and got no cattle.

And what do you call your place says Roger sarcastically.

Downtown Dallas says the old Jewish man.


Blind Moyel

Did you hear about the blind moyel? He got the sack!


Kosher Computer

I don't know if you know this but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price that I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday.

If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

The cursor moves from right to left.

It comes with two hard drives--one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.

Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."

The Chanukah screen savers include "Flying Dreidels"

The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

The "Start" button has been replaced with "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus".

The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!".

Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."

When running "scandisk", it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.

When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt"

There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from
Manischewitz that Advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.

After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."

Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.

The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5761-5762" issues.

If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."

When Spellcheck finds an error it prompts "Is this the best you can do?


Do You Speak Hebrew?

The captain of a Syrian Air Force transport flying over the Mediterranean
sends out a MAYDAY message:

"This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"

No answer.

A while later he announces, "This is Syrian Air Force # 174 again. We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"


A short while later the captain announces, "This is Syrian Air Force #174.
We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engines an urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"

Still no answer.

Finally the captain calls out, "Help! This is Syrian Air Force #174. We have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Middle East

Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit:

"Shalom Syrian Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We would like to help."

"Allah be praised," says the Syrian pilot. "Please give me instructions."

"Do you speak Hebrew?"


"OK, then repeat after me: Yisgadal Viyiskadash Shimay Rabbah......"


Jewish film titles

Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful partners.

Girls Interrupted - Women's section of shul are told to be quiet during davening.

Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the law on Pesach.

Angela's Kashas - Woman tells all her secret recipes.

Supernova - Rocket scientists discover powerful strain of lox.

Dredel Will Rock - Toy comes alive during Chanukah.

Sleepy Halah - It's Friday and dad fills up on bread then dozes off.

Goys Don't Cry - Rabbi explains why only Jews celebrate Tisha B'Av.

Goy Story 2 - Issy divorces shiksa, then marries another.

Mun on the Moon - Astronauts find hamentashen filling on the moon

Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for shabbos.

The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos finishes at 3am.


Morris, the Samurai

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.

The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.

The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.

Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"

Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."


If Microsoft were Jewish
1. Your PC would shut down automatically on Friday evenings.
2. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go. I'm not getting any younger." button.
3. RETRY would be replaced with "You vant I should try again?"
4. When disconnecting external devices from your PC, instructions would say "Remove from your PC's tuchis the cable ".
5. Your CD player would be labelled "Nu, so play my music already.".
6. You would hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
7. SCANDISK prompts you with, "You vant I should fix?" message.
8. When your PC is mult-tasking, you would occasionally hear an "Oy Gevult."
9. Manischewitz would advertise that its  "monitor cleaning solution" gets rid of the "schmutz" on your screen.
10. After 20 minutes in an idle state,  your PC would go "Schloffen."
11. All computer viruses would be cured with chicken soup.
12. After your computer dies, you would have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
13. Internet Explorer would have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
14. A screen saver for channukah will be "Flying Draidles".
15. High capacity DVB's (digital video bagels) would supercede CD-ROM's


Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
A: "Modem anachnu loch..."

Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
A: A bris kit.

Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by ten Jewish men?
A: Fillet minyan.

Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza to make a passover pizza?
A: Matzarello

Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jew who is more than 8 days old?
A: A girl.

Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?"

Q: Where does Moshe hide money from his wife Sadie?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.


Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.

Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni. POB 77.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.

Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah. Seeking wife. POB 41.

Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.

Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.

Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 843.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.

All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce. POB 655.


How you can tell...
How you can tell that the person next to you has not been to synagogue too often?
1. "Hey, my book is back to front."
2. "Isn't it impolite to talk when the minister is talking?"
3. "I get the standing and the sitting bit, but when do we kneel?"
4. "Does your prayer book have writing in a funny looking alphabet, too?"
5. "Why do people keep coming in even after the service starts? Didn't they know what time it starts?"
6. "Do people always get up and walk out just before the rabbi gives his sermon?"
7. "This food after the service is really good, but wouldn't it be better if people waited in line and then only took a little at a time?"
8. "Hey, I remember this part from 'Fiddler on the Roof'."
9. "Who brings kids to a place like this?"
10. "You there, slow down, you're getting ahead of the soloist!"
11. "Why am I the only guy in the dress circle?"
12. "You'd think nobody has ever seen a mobile phone."
13. "It's show time! They're opening the curtains."
14. "Pardon me, but you have some string hanging down from your scarf."
15. "The boy can't be more than 12 or 13 - and they let him read?"
16. "When do they take up the collection?"


Job search
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an historian,
until I realised there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.



My Yiddishe Momma
"If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'till all your spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"



Two little boys talking
“I'm getting operated on tomorrow”
“Oh? What are they going to do?”
“Circumcise me!”
“I had that done when I was just a few days old.”
“Did it hurt?”
“I couldn't walk for a year.”


Differences between Jewish Men and Women
• Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
• Women have a number of faults. Men have only two - everything they say and everything they do.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
• A man is a person who will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.
• Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
• It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
• Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.
• To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn't.
• There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
• Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.
• Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
• Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• Men are like animals, but they make great pets.


The Jewish Rules
• The female always makes the rules.
• The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
• No male can possibly know all the rules.
• If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
• The female is never wrong.
• If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
• If the above applies, the male must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
• An apology without flowers is not an apology.
• The female may change her mind at any time.
• The male must never change his mind at any time without the expressed consent of the female.
• The male may not point out that the woman has changed her mind.
• The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
• The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
• The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
• The female is ready when she is ready.
• The male must be ready at all times.
• If the female is PMS, all rules are null & void.
• The male may not inquire if the woman is angry or upset.
• The male may not inquire when the women will be ready.
• The male may not inquire about the women's time of the month.
• The male is expected to mind-read at all times.
• The male must earn the respect of the female by giving his life up in service to her needs and nurturing of her character.


Jewish Men's Rules
• Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
• If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
• Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
• Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
• Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the motorway exit, your saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
• Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.


Eternal Jewish Truths of Your Grandmother’s Talmud
o The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
o If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
o If it tastes good, it’s probably not Kosher.
o No one looks good in a yarmulke.
o Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
o WASPS leave and never say goodbye, Jews say goodbye and never leave.
o Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
o Israel is the land of milk and honey; North London is the area of milk of Magnesia.
o Never pay retail.
o Its always a bad hair day if you’re bald.
o No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
o The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
o So what’s so wrong with dry turkey?
o Always whisper the names of diseases.
o One Mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
o If you don’t eat, it will kill me.
o Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
o Where there’s smoke, there may be smoke salmon.
o Never take a front row seat at a bris.
o Next year in Jerusalem, the year after that, how about a nice cruise?
o Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
o A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
o A schmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
o Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
o Before you read the menu, read the prices.
o There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult. This usually happens at around 45.
o According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
o Tsouris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn’t Jewish.
o If you’re going to whisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone to hear
o What business is a yenta in? Yours.
o If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it.
o But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid. 


Announcements in synagogue newsletters
o Join us for our celebration after services. Prayer and medication to follow.
o Weight Watchers will meet at 8pm at the Beck Hall. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
o Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
o For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
o We are pleased to announce the birth of David Bloom, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs Shlomo Bloom.
o The Men’s Club is warmly invited to the celebrations hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
o Our Rabbi unveiled the synagogue’s new fundraising campaign slogan last week
“I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”
o If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you.
o Rabbi is on holiday. Massages can be given to his secretary.
o Mrs Himmelfarb will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
o The Ladies Guild have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Thursdays.
o We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the Beck Hall. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
o Don’t let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.